It’s been a sad week.
My Mum-in-Law who was one of the most genuine, loveliest people I’ve had the pleasure to have in my life, lost the battle for her life a few days ago. One of those genuinely, almost too good to be true nice people, she never had a bad word to say about anyone. If she did have the littlest of grizzles, she would bite her lip, look ever so guilty and say ‘’ I’m not being very kind am I?’’.
She had been in and out of numerous hospital and rehab facilities since April 2020; so many, that I used to joke with her she was working undercover for Trip Advisor doing a tour of Kent NHS. Her troubles started with spinal skeletal issues which meant the likelihood of being wheelchair bound in the not to distant future. Having been discharged in August to see how she would manage, she fell and broke the tibia and fibula in her strongest leg; she now had two dodgy legs, so back on tour she went!
Gradually she accepted she probably wasn’t going to get back home, ‘’I know I should’ve taken this decision sooner’‘ she said, ‘’but I wasn’t ready’’. You see going into care was really not what she wanted, but she also didn’t want to be a worry drain on her family. ‘’You all have such busy lives, you can’t be bothering about me’’, she said. Back on tour again and we decided to move her closer to us all, her family. She went into a temporary care facility whilst family & the authorities looked for somewhere appropriate for her, somewhere where she could not only get the physical rehab she needed, but also the intellectual and social stimulation she needed, she still had all her marbles and for that there was no doubt! All of this was under strict Covid lockdown. We could rarely visit and when we could, we were sitting ouside on one side of a window pane, and she inside on the other. At 86 she put me to shame amazing everyone with her gusto for learning technology which maintained our contact when we weren’t looking through the window at eachother.
Throughout everything we never heard her complain about her lot once, not once. She tried so, so hard to get herself ‘better’. Reminded by Alexa, she did her exercises every hour, awkwardly, slowly, painfully. She gave up puddings and sweetness in order to not gain weight to put less pressure on her legs. ‘’Eat the cake’’ I said, for although I hoped I was wrong, I kind of knew….
She must’ve been lonely and very probably scared, but she never showed it nor bemoaned her lot, not once.
Known as GJ, or Grandma Janet to the grandkids, her highlight of 2020 was becoming Great Grandma Janet to little Alfie. She was so proud of him and also of her Grandson who took to fatherhood like ducks take to water, talking about them was her last proper conversation she had with the medics as they assessed how much covid was taking hold, for despite having had her first jab, she caught covid, or rather, it caught her. The assessment wasn’t good. We were all allowed to visit individually for a matter of minutes. Decked in full PPE, we were instructed to stand at the far side of the room. We couldn’t hold her hand, touch or kiss her. My daughter crept closer and was able to show her pictures of her wedding dress that she’ll wear later this year. ‘’I love you sunshine’’ were the last mouthed words GJ managed give to my girl. (I will be forever grateful to GJ for being my kids ‘Step-Grandma’, but in this family there are no step brothers, step sisters, and step grandmas, just full-blown brothers, sisters and grandmas), we’re very lucky.
She had had her first jab approx 3 weeks ago, tested positive just over 2 weeks ago, and now she’s dead
So what’s the point of all these ramblings?
The point is, in my work as a bereavement counsellor, I encourage my clients, those who are left behind, to look at how they can embody, enfold the existence of the person they’ve lost, into their life. ‘’How does having had your loved one in your life change you? How do you react? How you do think, feel and behave having known and loved them?’’ I ask.
Now I’m asking myself.
(What would your answer be?)… My answer?
Be grateful for my lot. Before I have a moan and complain, think, is my lot so bad? Be kind. Show compassion and love whenever, wherever it’s possible to do so. Put as much into things as I can, and always be open to learn new things.
I’m not perfect and I’ll probably trip up at times. But if and when I do, I’ll think of a gentle voice saying, ‘’love you sunbeam’’ or ‘’love you sunshine’’ and I’ll try just that little bit more.
I’m aware this is a personal account of how I feel in the face of our loss. In therapy we talk about ‘congruence’ or ‘being real and transparent’. As a therapist I can’t expect my clients to be open, honest and real if I indeed am not prepared to be the same. As the songs says, ‘’I’m only human after all’’.